A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A day late and a dollar short.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bricks short of a wall.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few escape pods short of an evacuation.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few frequencies short of a spectrum.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few open splices.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few photons short of a complete hologram.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few pies short of a holiday dinner.
A few planes short of an Air Force.
A few revisions behind.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few screws loose.
A few tiles short of a successful reentry.
A few tractors short of a farm.
A few volts below threshold.
A flower short of an arrangement.
A flying buttress short of a cathedral.
A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A little light in the loafers.
A one-bit brain with a parity error.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A photographic memory with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
A quart low.
A return with no gosub.
A teabag short of a pot.
A titanic intellect in a world full of icebergs.
A tower short of a castle.
A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
All booster, no payload.
All hat and no cattle.
All missile, no warhead.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don’t you send them a penny and square the account?
All the personality of saran wrap.
All wax and no wick.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
An early example of the Peter Principle.
An ego like a black hole.
An experiment in artificial stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
And which dwarf are you?
And your cry–baby whiny–assed opinion would be…?
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
As bright as a tulip bulb.
As happy as if he had brains.
As sharp as a bowl of Jello, and twice as smart.
As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.
As smart as bait.
As useful as a kickstand on a horse.
Attic’s a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bats in the belfry.
Batteries not included.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing in the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Blocked one too many hockey pucks with his head.
Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Brain transplant donor.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
Cheez-wiz for brains.
Contributes to the population problem.
Couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating dance.
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn’t hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cursor’s flashing but there’s no response.
Darwin wept.
Depriving some poor village of its idiot.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Differently clued.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Do you want people to accept you as you are, or do you want them to like you?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn’t have all his groceries in the same bag.
Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
Doesn’t have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn’t have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn’t just know nothing; doesn’t even suspect much.
Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling in your skull?
Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
Don’t ever change. I always want to be better than you.
Donated her body to scientists before she was done using it.
Dropped his second stage too soon.
Dumber than a box of rocks.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Earth is full. Go home.
Eight pawns short of a gambit.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
End of season sale at the cerebral department.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege.
Four cents short of a nickel.
Frequently gets lost in thought because it’s unfamiliar territory.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
Gavel doesn’t quite hit the bench.
Germs must love you, you’re sickening!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
Got a life, but wasn’t sure what to do with it.
Got an IQ that’s about room temperature.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
Has a bad brains-to-testosterone ratio.
Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
Has a mind like half a dictionary; it never gets to ‘think’.
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
Has a wonderful face: one look and people wonder.
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
Has no discretionary intellect.
Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it’s like watching tennis.
Has such a big mouth he could eat a banana sideways.
Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
Has the IQ of a house plant.
Has the IQ of a salad bar.
Have you considered suing your brains for non–support?
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry and Curly.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He forgot to pay his brain bill.
He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
He has a mind like a steel trap: always closed!
He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
He took an IQ test and the results were negative.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
He’s a self-made man, but he’s the most unskilled workman I’ve ever seen.
He’s as sharp as a beach ball.
He’s been working with glue too much.
He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks, and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a spine.
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
He’s so dense, light bends around him.
Help reduce air pollution – stop breathing!
Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
Her memory is truly random-access.
Her modem lights are on but there’s no carrier.
Her sewing machine’s been out of thread for some time now.
Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
His elevator won’t go to the top.
His family wasn’t dysfunctional until he arrived.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
His URL doesn’t allow outside access.
Horizontally parked in a parallel universe.
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I didn’t hit you. I simply high-fived your face.
I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.
I heard you were at the dog show! Who won second prize?
I know why they call this a “blind date”…now that I’ve seen you…I wish I was blind.
I like the way you talk, except for two things: my ears.
I like you but I don’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.
I promise not to make fun of your height. I wouldn’t stoop to that.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I see you’re playing stupid again. It looks like you’re winning, too.
I think he rode the Tilt-a-Whirl too long.
I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
I would engage in a battle of wits with you, but I refuse to duel with and unarmed person.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
I would not allow this person to breed.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I’d insult you, but you’re not bright enough to notice.
I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth.
I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my butt.
I’d love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender.
I’d love to go out with you, but I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
I’d say he doesn’t have all his dogs on the same leash.
I’d say he’s about one Froot Loop shy of a full box.
I’ll never forget the first time we met, although I’ll keep trying.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I’m glad you’re tall. It gives me more to not like about you.
I’m not as dumb as you look.
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
I’m not even going to ignore that.
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
I’ve seen better looking hair in my grandma’s nose.
I’ve seen better looking hair in my shower drain.
I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
If brains were bird droppings, he’d have a clean cage.
If brains were lard, he’d be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
If he had one more neuron, you’d have a synapse.
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
If his IQ was two points higher he’d be a rock.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used before.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I took an aspirin would you go away?
If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive!
If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s practically invulnerable.
If you stand up next to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
Impervious to brain damage.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he’s in the toy store.
Informationally deprived.
Intellectually challenged.
IQ lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon-rut.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
It’s okay for you to disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
Just another flash in the bedpan.
Just because you’re child was an honor student doesn’t mean you know anything.
Knitting with only one needle.
Lazier than the guy who created the Japanese flag.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control!
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Life by Norman Rockwell, screenplay by Stephen King.
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Lights are on but nobody’s home.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Looks like he played goalie for the darts team.
Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
Meandering to a different drummer.
Mental software is still in beta test.
Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Needs a surge protector so his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
No filter in the coffeemaker.
No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
Not all people are annoying. Some are dead.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not done evolving yet.
Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not firing on all four cylinders.
Not firmly seated in the socket.
Not hard-docked.
Not playing with a full deck.
Not running on full thrusters.
Not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite-won’t-be.
Not the brightest crayon in the box.
Not the coldest beer in the fridge.
Not the quickest tractor on the farm.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Not worth the price of the bowl of beans it would take to muster up the gas I’d need to fart on him.
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Of all the people I’ve met you’re certainly one of them.
On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One bit short of a byte.
One board short of a porch.
One card shy of a full deck.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
One ship short of a full fleet.
One snowflake short of a ski slope.
One taco short of a combination plate.
Operating in standby mode.
Out there where the buses don’t run.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
People would follow him, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Put a lens in each ear and you’ve got a telescope.
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he’d come in third.
Reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
Reading from an unformatted disk.
Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Runs squares around the competition.
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
Single-sided, low density.
Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Smoking, drinking and you. Two things that I love.
So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
Some Assembly Required.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.
Somebody please lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: absence.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
Sound great when singing solo: so low nobody can hear him.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Stupidity doesn’t count as a handicap, park elsewhere.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Synapses, we hardly knew ye!
Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The cables are connected, but there is no current.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
The fan’s working but the freon’s leaked out.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The IQ test results were negative.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The last time I saw something like you, it was swinging off a tree branch at the zoo and eating a banana.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
The lights are on but no–one’s home.
The proctologist called!…they found your head!
The spit valve’s fallen off his trumpet.
The truth is out there. So what are you doing here?!
The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead.
There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
They can’t measure your intellect. The scale won’t go that low.
Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
Took the little bus to school.
Train of thought still boarding at the station.
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Two chapters short of a novel.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Validates my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Vampires must love you, you’re such a pain in the neck.
Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
Wasn’t strapped in during launch.
Watches “Beavis and Butthead” to learn vocabulary.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
When he opens his mouth, it’s only to change feet.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
When you get to the men’s room, you will see a sign that says “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
Where other people have a brain, he’s got resonance.
Whole lotta choppin’, but no chips a flyin’.
Why don’t you do something different with your hair, like wash it?
Words can’t describe your outfit, so I’ll just throw up.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
You can’t spell STUPID without U.
You grow on people, like a wart.
You know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.
You know what I like about your face? Me neither.
You never use your mind. You can’t use something you’ve never had.
You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.