Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.”
After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris wakes up his alarm clock.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise Men, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany. Therefore, Germany does not exist.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night-light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but that the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood. Just never his own.
Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more “humane”.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and me. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.