A lawyer is someone who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a brief. The difference between an accountant and a lawyer is that the accountant knows he is boring. There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law, and those who know the judge. […]
One day, a man goes to his priest.He rapidly starts into his confession, “Father, I’ve committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.”The priest remarked, “Wow, I definitely need to hear this!”He continued, “I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, then ate all his groceries and didn’t share.”“You […]
One day, a man goes to his priest.He rapidly starts into his confession, “Father, I’ve committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.”The priest remarked, “Wow, I definitely need to hear this!”He continued, “I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, then ate all his groceries and didn’t share.”“You […]
Every family has secrets, at least until a Sunday School teacher asks their kids if they have any prayer requests. Sometimes God says, “I need you to love people.”And I go, “Ugh, but they’re annoying!”And God says, “You know, I love you all the time.”And I say, “But I’m not annoying, I’m delightful.”…So I say, […]
What did the accountant do to liven up the office party?He didn’t show up. What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?Lost. What do you get when you cross a wild, ferocious, man-eating tiger with an accountant?A very dull tiger. What happens when you lock a wild hyena in a room with an accountant?The […]
A businessman tells his friend his company is looking for a new accountant.His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.” A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had six months to live.“Oh, no!” said the woman. “What […]
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets […]
A fool and his money are soon audited. An accountant makes a bold fashion statement by wearing his gray suit instead of the blue one. When an accountant’s spouse can’t get to sleep, they ask their husband about work. A good tax accountant has had a loophole named after him. An accountant is someone who […]
A brain like a BB in a boxcar. A couplet short of a sonnet. A day late and a dollar short. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few bricks short of a wall. A few clowns short of a circus. A few escape pods short of an evacuation. A few feathers short of […]
This is a list of discrepancies between movies and reality. Human Behavior A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. If you decide to start dancing in the […]
If you watch 127 Hours backward, it’s the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert and then discovering a love for biking. If you watch Aladdin backward, it’s about a rich prince who loses his wife and fortune to a genie, then hides the genie’s lamp and turns to stealing for […]
ACURA All Cars Usually Require Adjustment Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile Automobile Causes Unusual Road Accidents Awful, Crappy, Unreliable, Rusty Auto AMC A Major Cost All Makes Combined Another Major Catastrophe AUDI Another Ugly Deutsche Invention BEETLE Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine By Everyone’s Experience, They Last Eternally BMW Bastard Money Wielders Behold My […]